Kindness.
This one is not easy for me to write. Please bear with me as I bleed & leave a bit of my soul on the keyboard.
I am generally considered to be a kind person by most who know me. BUT I have my moments, like we all do. And there are many who knew me when kind is the last word that would have been used to describe me. More appropriate words would have been: controlling, angry, possessive, strict.
Unfortunately one of my "moments" lasted for several years. I was a very young stepmom to 3 incredible children & loved & do love them with all of my heart.
BUT I didn't show it in the early years nearly as much as I should have or atleast in the right ways. I was so convinced that to be a good parent I had to be strict, to always be in control. My thought process on parenting was a gigantic chaotic mess and so then was my parenting itself.
Kindness was not my number one goal, hell, it wasn't even in my top 5. When I say I thought being strict was important I mean I lived it every second. So, too, did those children.
Their every move was dictated by my demands. I was a horrible drill sergeant with little kindness to spare. I did take them to do fun things, I hugged them, I tucked them in & read to them, told them I loved them but when kindness is not balanced with discipline but overtaken by it, it fades into the background. All of this was done with so many rules & restrictions that I'm surprised they have any love left for me at all.
Always, keep your feet off the furniture, stop smacking your food, brush your hair, don't talk back...that's not to mention the punishments.
Don't get me wrong, a well run home with rules is great but that's not what this was. This was a very scared young mom overcompensating with discipline out of fear of failing them when in the end that's exactly what I did.
If you have a child that is struggling in any capacity please do the opposite of what I did, please use kindness & love FIRST in all situations. Let the children know that first & foremost they are precious, cared for, cherished, loved, needed no matter their faults.
I did not do this with my oldest kids (my stepchildren) & I will regret it til the day I die.
I did eventually learn the lesson. In years past I've become kinder, more gentle. Learning to love first, discipline later & that discipline is not always even needed. Sometimes just being there to love & guide is enough. As a matter of fact, most of the time it's enough.
I'm begging anyone reading this, whoever this is reaching...share this. Someone, if not you, may need to know this. So many children are not appreciated for who & what they are but being forced into a strict mold they do not fit into instead. Which stifles creativity, the ability to love oneself & others fully. It is damaging. If you are making the mistakes I did, STOP. Apologize & SHOW THEM you're changing. Don't just say it.
Like I said, I've changed my parenting style, my younger children have benefitted from those changes, thank God. But the older ones will always have the emotional scars of me not giving love first but instead trying to control. 2 of the children have forgiven me & we are working on our relationships & it's growing, it's wonderful. One has not & may not ever forgive me & has become & angry person. I have to take a portion of the blame for that in how I raised them. This child is now an adult & has to also take partial blame for her attitude, as I am not there influencing her, she is choosing to remain angry. My prayer is that she'll forgive before she passes on the anger to her child.
I know this is probably an overshare but it haunts me, it will always haunt me that there were 3 children who needed nothing but love & I threw criticism, rules & punishments their way before love. My sole purpose for sharing this is in the hopes that someone out there will read it who can make these changes before it's too late.
Don't let your fear, insecurities, inexperience etc keep you from parenting with love first & foremost.
I am proud of myself for finally getting a clue, no I'm still not a perfect parent, who among us is? But I try, hard, to always choose love first. And I will always try to be a better Mom. As I know better I do better.
Kindness first. Kindness always.
No matter the situation, choose kindness & pray for me that I can continue to do that with my kids & grandkids & pass on a legacy of kindness not control.
BEING KIND IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEING RIGHT....especially when you're wrong!
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